Find The Time

Hey P&G,

Sexual Carob here with you again. Sensual Element had to attend an edible underwear conference. She does all this for you!!

A few of my married friends and I had a long discussion about “leaving the kids at the crib.” Leaving kids at the crib means husband and wife spending quality time together without the children. (Hopefully, out of the house). My friends who are single mothers or fathers seem to understand this concept. For example, MM, when given proper notice, will secure a babysitter for her two wonderful daughters. She realizes that she must make time for herself as well as her family.

A few years back, I was watching an episode of Oprah where Ayelet Waldman wrote an essay about loving her husband more than her children. (You can imagine there were some gasps and some claps.) She writes:

But the real reason for this lack of sex, or at least the most profound, is that the wife’s passion has been refocused. Instead of concentrating her ardor on her husband, she concentrates it on her babies. Where once her husband was the center of her passionate universe, there is now a new sun in whose orbit she revolves. Libido, as she once knew it, is gone, and in its place is all-consuming maternal desire. (par. 3)

I am the only woman in Mommy and Me who seems to be, well, getting any. This could fill me with smug well-being. I could sit in the room and gloat over my wonderful marriage. I could think about how our sex life—always vital, even torrid—is more exciting and imaginative now than it was when we first met. I could check my watch to see if I have time to stop at Good Vibrations to see if they have any exciting new toys. I could even gaze pityingly at the other mothers in the group, wishing that they too could experience a love as deep as my own. (par. 5)

I have seen this phenomenon all too many times. Couples who are so consumed by their children that they cannot go anywhere without them. Recently, at my cousin’s wedding, one of his friends, wife and baby drove from the Midwest to the Mid-Atlantic corner of the country. Instead of leaving the child with grandparents, who seem more than capable to look after the child, they had the child in tow. They did not get to enjoy the wedding as they were late and had to rush out of the reception to return home.

Another set, everything was about the child: the feedings were elaborate descriptions of food. “Ooh look carrots, yay carrots, what color are the carrots? Ooooh yummy carrots!!” Now, I am believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way. Oh yes, show them all the beauty they possessive inside. I know the parent did not get a chance to enjoy the festivities. But I figure that children were given to us by God to help them grow and learn. The goal is for them to become positive, contributing members of the society and independent.

One of the couples left their child at the crib. The mother had an epiphany before the journey, “my parents raised me well, they are more than fit to keep my child overnight.” This was definitely a Hallelujah moment because in that moment she realized what God wanted for the family. Mother and father must be connected to each other, the children and community.

Waldman wishes:

some learned sociologist would publish a definitive study of marriages where the parents are desperately, ardently in love, where the parents love each other even more than they love the children. It would be wonderful if it could be established, once and for all, that the children of these marriages are more successful, happier, live longer and have healthier lives than children whose mothers focus their desires and passions on them. (par. 26)


I wonder the same thing. A pastor said that priorities of a married couple:

  1. God
  2. Each other
  3. Children
  4. Job

He stated that if the parents are in love and keep the love ignited, the children will know and understand love.

Married couples must keep the spark alive. They must have date nights, which can include shopping for sex toys, going to a local hotel (not motel), going to the movies and so forth. These sessions should be about reconnecting and feeling each other up (maybe on the couch) 😉

So let begin the sexual healing… awww yay baby!!


Keeping it Hot and Sweet,

Sexual Carob

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  • Mix Maven September 14, 2007 at 10:55 PM

    You are not at the point wear Baby is going to dance class or soccer practice, plus having to do homework, Sabbath School lesson and other activities. You are a busy guy, so I know Baby C will be busy too. You will be scheduling sex before you know it. It is not a bad thing. It just means that you are planning and plotting about reconnecting with your spouse. The main point is that husband and wife need quality ALONE WITHOUT KIDS AROUND!!!!

  • Rude Boii September 14, 2007 at 10:24 PM

    Schedule sex??? What the…..?!?! I don’t think I saw that on oprah. (no I don’t watch Oprah) I’m a firm believer in “I married my spouse and as according to my marriage vows, I forsake all others when it comes to her, even the kid” I love the wifie and I don’t think any other woman on this earth can deal with his rudeness. I’ve never been nose opened about sex, I waited 27 yrs to get lucky with the wifie and it’s a wonderful thing. However if something happened to the wifie so we couldn’t have “FELLOWSHIP” anymore, I think the transition back to that mindset would not be difficult.

  • Mix Maven September 14, 2007 at 7:51 PM

    Well, the last statement is a different issue… that is called addiction. But I think in the grand scheme, some spouses need to work on libido issues, especially if the lack of sex is hurting the relationship, which can happen to women after they have children. Rude Boii, be patient, your time will come. The relationship between husband and wife can be very fragile, which is why it needs to remain strong. And remember children will grow up and have lives independent of their parents, so when the children leave the home, the parents should not feel like, “I do not even know my spouse anymore.” Life is about balance, which means that you may have to schedule sex and or private jaunts without the children.

  • Rude Boii September 14, 2007 at 3:47 PM

    OHY!!!!! Tell me about it. Luckily the kid sleeps like a rock!!! LOL We take our daughter with us on trips, (she’s only 2 soon to be 3) and we carry her little pack and play for a bed. No Biggie. BUT……. as parents, we’ve learned to be discreet. If you go to a family reunion, leave precious with Grandma, Grandpa, or a fav relative. Then fog up the windows Baby, and grip that headboard for all it’s worth, Hootie Hoo. Men, if the wifie is a little attatched to lil darlin, remind her of how and why you have lil precious. Drop subtle hints through the day, or blatent ones, who cares!!! Sometimes that’s the better sex. Haha… A wife loves a hubby who can MAN up when it counts. Please, please plan accordingly, Sex dosen’t have to be your center of your universe, the biggest mistake you can make is making sex your spouse instead of the spouse. ……… and I’m out!!!

  • Jam Bella September 14, 2007 at 12:10 PM

    Very insightful.

  • Joy September 14, 2007 at 10:46 AM

    I wish I could relate to this more, but since I have no kids outside of my puppy, I will just say that spending quality time together is a must. You want to wake up next to your lover, not your roommate.

  • kia September 14, 2007 at 10:44 AM

    i believe this too. when a parent put the children over the spouse, things fall apart.